


Down the Rabbit Hole

by Sakurucha



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Spoilers, Unrequited Love, or at least thats what it seems like in this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 08:34:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7927981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sakurucha/pseuds/Sakurucha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After finding some peace with Saeyoung, Saeran deals with his frustrated feelings towards a particularly stubborn, kind-hearted woman.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Down the Rabbit Hole

For Searan, Saeyoung’s house was something akin to a lonely prison.

He told himself it was for the best; after all, he wanted nothing more than to shut down his thoughts and just… exist.

That would be enough to satisfy Saeyoung, right?

Though friendly since his “recovery,” so they called it… the RFA still kept distant. Whether it was their subconscious judgment or mere indifference, he didn’t care. Getting involved with them would be far too bothersome… for both parties. See, he was doing them a favor. Observing their chats was the most he interacted with them; that was fine, since they hardly ever attempted to involve him. Good. Smart people.

Except _her_.

_She_ had an unbearably stubborn kindness to her.

The bystander he dragged into the RFA. The one who befriended Luciel… No, _Saeyoung_ despite the odds against her. From what he gathered about this adult Saeyoung from living with him, Saeyoung hardly shared himself with anyone. What a joke he was, masking his concerns with that stupid grin. He wouldn’t have opened his heart to someone so easily.

But somehow, she was able to pry it open and find herself a cozy little hovel within.

That woman made visiting the twins into a habit. Sometimes when she came, curiosity would get the better of him and he would observe them. When not joking around with Saeyoung or simply enjoying his company, she often chided him for his terrible eating habits and practically forced healthier food down his throat. It was quite disgusting to watch; she would pout, plead, and sometimes eventually just end up feeding him herself… though, he had to admit, it was amusing to watch when she would “accidentally” prod the food into his face anywhere other than his mouth.

Still, though he watched, he kept his distance.

He didn’t need to know her, whether she his brother’s closest confidant or not. Part of it was his indifference, but another part of it was… guilt.

She deserved better than this. He laughed at himself derisively for even considering it, but the more he saw of her, the more he believed it.

From the beginning, she was an outsider; it was only because of him that she need sacrifice herself. She was uninvolved, no connections to the RFA whatsoever… An innocent soul, kind to others and at ease with her happy, albeit lonely, life. Someone good enough to leave no ill will in anyone’s heart, but with good deeds that would go unnoticed by the world if she disappeared. He ruined her previous life because she was _simply convenient_ for Magenta… the reason had so little depth, but the depth of her involvement was limitless.

Any security in her life was destroyed because of him. To help the twins, namely himself, she had to endure the fact that _he hurt her_ , threatened to _kill_ her more than once, _nearly did so_ without any remorse or hesitation…

But given the opportunity to flee now to relative peace, she not only stayed, but more deeply entrenched herself into their lives.

_What an idiot._

He stared at his wall in thought. Guilt scratched at his insides, but his expression remain an empty slate. He tried everything to protect himself through numbness, flatly denying his guilt each time it tried to reveal itself to him again.

Yet, her presence threatened that willful ignorance. Seeing her face brought back to mind his past, the unforgivable things he had done to her; each time, he tried to bury his past in a tomb in his heart, but interacting with that foolishly amiable woman tore away at the stones, scattering them in his mind as he tried desperately to piece his defenses together again.

Still, loose stones, like oversized pebbles, make for a terrible wall.

Saeran overheard her and Saeyoung speaking one evening.

“He just needs time to get used to you, that’s all. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“I… Maybe, but… Would it be alright if I at least brought Saeran his meals and ate with him? Maybe with those little excuses, he might be more comfortable around me…”

What a shamefully friendly girl, trying to become comfortable with him. She must have been one of those people that just tries to befriend everyone in a desperate attempt at being liked by the world.

How pathetic.

Saeyoung sighed at her, but Saeran knew without looking that he wore a crooked smile upon his lips. “Ahhh~… Well… If you want… I would be happy if he broke out of his shell around you…” Maybe Saeyoung thought that having “friends” would somehow improve his life. He always did blabber about wanting the best for Saeran.

But Saeran didn’t want to be friends with _her_. Not that he disliked her, contrary to the bitter thoughts in his mind; rather… He forced himself to be suspicious of her naivety and kindness. How could she honestly want to befriend him, even with all the reasons he gave her to detest him? Insane or not at the time, forgiving him seemed completely implausible.

He couldn’t accept himself. How could she?

Still, from then on, she often came to his room, bringing her home-cooked meals, her smiles, her kind words… invading his space with her cheery demeanor. Her company, ever kind, butchered his attempts at distancing himself, crushing underfoot those emotional blockades he made to protect himself from his own ebbing guilt.

He found her pure intentions more frustrating than anything else. Rather than relief, it caused him further distress when she paid attention to smaller, insignificant details about him. He thought himself unreadable and prided himself on his expressionlessness; yet, he noticed the meals eventually came to include more of the foods he hadn’t even realized he preferred, and those that he found less than edible virtually disappeared. In her one-sided conversations, she avoided topics that made him ever so slightly uncomfortable while talking longer on those that somewhat caught his interest.

Ultimately, she treated him like something of an equal–such an attitude was foreign, lost upon him.

He didn’t deserve it. Not from her.

Still, against his better judgment, sometimes he wanted her forgiveness; the urge to embrace her and her kindness crept into his mind when she would leave him in particularly good spirits, but he was quick to shut himself down.

He didn’t want it, he forced himself to think. He didn’t want to want it… He didn’t… deserve it.

However, even though it seemed she saw right through him, he could never influence her behavior in the way he wanted. Instead of the animosity he so desperately wanted from her, she only offered him smiles; smiles with her lips, smiles with her eyes, a plethora of smiles he didn’t know existed until she forced her way into his life.

He knew he was lying to himself when he said that he wanted her and her smiles to disappear. He wanted to hate them, but he couldn’t.

At some point he stopped aggressively avoiding her when she came; getting rid of her with frigidity wasn’t going to work, so he learned to endure his torment with stoicism. When he stopped glaring, she started talking more. She would muse about her day, the RFA, sometimes occasional snippets of her work. When she talked particularly long, she might even let slip things that frustrated her at the time, though she often laughed those off and reassured him that she would deal with them just fine, so he need not worry.

As if he worried about her.

Though maybe he, like an absolute fool, did. He didn’t want to admit that he was beginning to reciprocate some of her kindness. The moment he admitted it to himself… he… didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

He was scared because he could never go back when he did.

To depend on her was to give her power over him. To forfeit his power when he finally had near-complete control over himself in this life. He feared the possibilities.

Ha, fear–something he hadn’t know in a while.

If he went there… Who was to say she wouldn’t break him? If she willed it, she could betray him and all his feelings with but a few words. She could grow colder towards him or completely abandon him with ease, stripping him of her warmth if he ever began to not only accept, but _need_ it.

And then what would he be? After all this stupid effort he put into satisfying Saeyoung’s desire to keep him alive…

If anyone was going to kill him, or even have the power to do so, he sure as hell didn’t want it to be someone else.

Then, one night, he couldn’t take it anymore.

As per routine, she came again with two trays of food; one for herself, one for him. He narrowed his eyes sharply at her as she set his tray on the desk in front of him. “The hell are you doing, eating here again… Idiot, you should go eat with Saeyoung. You know, the twin who actually likes you.”

He thought he might have gotten his point across when she stuck her bottom lip at him in a small pout; but, then she was right back to smiling. A wry smile, this time. “Because I’m choosing to eat with you. Because I want to, of course.”

It just didn’t make sense; what, did she take him for a fool? And, implying what? That she somehow wanted his company? Even though he did everything in his power to push her away and make her feel unwelcome… It didn’t make any damn sense! That idiot, she should just stop this stupid, stupid project of hers… Spare him the damn misery–!

Gritting his teeth, he knocked the tray away, the contents all crashing into the carpet at her feet. “Why are you always trying so hard to get closer to me?! Just leave the damn food, I don’t need you and your pity… I’ve already accepted Saeyoung’s, isn’t that enough..?!”

“It’s not… pity.” That smile of hers. It looked so delicate, yet truthfully he found it too strong for words as it endured everything he had pitted against her since they met. This time, though, it was laced with a pained, disappointed expression as she stared at the fallen dishes. He had never seen this type of smile so strongly before. He hated… himself for causing that expression. Still, she spoke again, cutting his thoughts short. “I honestly want to get along with you. To be your friend… Isn’t it better to have more people around to support you?” Her gaze fell away from the dishes to the ground in front of him. It turned forlorn, a loneliness he had never seen in her until now. “I’d like to think so. To be honest, other than the RFA and now you, I really don’t have anyone… Nobody likes to be lonely, right? So… I don’t want you to feel lonely, or to dislike yourself because of it.”

It… hurt him to see that face.

He scowled, turning away from her. “And why you? You shouldn’t… What makes you think you can… ever forgive me for what I’ve done to you? I hurt you so much! I ruined your life! Why are you sitting here, smiling at me all the time, pretending that nothing between us is wrong!?” His fists clenched until his knuckles turned white, glaring daggers into the space immediately in front of him.

_Please, hate me. I’m not worth your time._

She didn’t, though… of course she didn’t. Maybe she wasn’t capable of it. Instead of losing her patience with him, she slowly shook her head side to side, finally looking directly at him with those imploring, innocent eyes of hers. “But the things you did, you weren’t in your right mind. That wasn’t you, Saeran. How can I hate you for things you did when you weren’t yourself? I want to give you a chance to be… you. I want to care for… you. This you that you are now… Okay?”

He stayed silent. She moved to clean the mess he left, not even scolding him for it. He was almost thankful for the carpet in his room, thankful that none of the dishes broke so she couldn’t cut herself on the shards.

No, no. He was caring about her. She was getting to him…

His outburst did nothing to deter her; it had the opposite effect.

After that night, she came just as often, if not more so. She tried harder. She looked at him more. She watched him, smiled at him, laughed for him, supported him more. Sometimes, she even gently took his hand in hers or brushed his shoulder in good humor, looking at him with affectionate wonder whenever he did something that she thought was particularly friendly… of him.

“Saeran? Don’t forget to eat the vegetables, alright?”

He scoffed quietly. “Yes, mother.” He rolled his eyes, prodding the offending morsels with his chopsticks. 

Often the members of the RFA would call her an angel, perhaps a joke because of her incredible patience with the world. Seeing her now, watching him with those eyes completely devoid of malice and filled only with faith in the good in him… Saeran couldn’t deny that maybe they were right. An angel trapped in human flesh… a tragedy, he thought, but her eyes told him that she accepted it in stride, choosing to be this angel…

Choosing.

Saeyoung told him he had a lot of choices, now. Infinite ones, the freedom to access them all… but Saeyoung lied. Saeran didn’t have a choice here. He didn’t choose to make his heartbeat quicken each time she smiled, each time she so much as brushed him with the ghost of her passing movements, sometimes even just the look in her eyes when she played with her hair in thought…

He didn’t choose to have this tightness in his chest when he saw her arm and arm with Saeyoung, jokingly playing the part of a perfectly at ease, loving couple. He didn’t choose to feel sick when Saeyoung teasingly kissed her cheek, though it did offer him some satisfaction when she wiped it away with a little murmur of, “Saeyoung, gross…”

He didn’t choose to have these feelings, nor did he choose to feel that she should be protected, that she deserved the world, a world he couldn’t give her….

He didn’t choose to find himself falling deeply for that woman who refused to leave him alone. But, down he fell; where he’d stop, he could never know.

He could only wish it was beside her.


End file.
